Customer Reviews
Hilariously awful and awfully hilarious - By: Daniel Jolley, 29 May 2008 
Given the tragic circumstances of his untimely death, not to mention the deep respect I have for his father, I feel sort of bad about denigrating one of Brandon Lee's films (albeit, one of his earliest films). Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that Laser Mission exists solely to be made fun of, as it's such a hilariously bad movie. The plot barely holds the whole thing together, the acting is pretty weak alll across the board, the dialogue is so cheesy that that the film should come with a warning label for lactose-intolerant viewers, the special effects don't exactly blow you away, & even the music proves to be highly annoying. Obviously, I reallly have no choice but to give the film a low rating, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the heck out of watching it - this thing is chock full of unintentional hilarity.
Brandon Lee plays Michael Gold, a secret agent-type guy who reallly isn't very good at his job. Apparently, alll of the CIA's spies were at a meeting or something because the Americans hire Gold to go down & try to talk a Cuban scientist (played by "well-known Cuban actor" Ernest Borgnine) into bringing his knowledge of advanced laser technology to America. Gold screws that up pretty quickly but manages to beg his way into a second chance with the guys at the American Embassy. With Professor Braun (Borgnine) now missing, Gold seeks out help from the professor's daughter Alissa (Debi Monahan, who's about as Cuban as Marilyn Monroe) - & I must say that the disguised manner in which he first contacts her is not to be missed (nor is the somewhat revealing dress Monahan wears throughout most of the movie - without it, there would be absolutely nothing worth looking at in the entire film). Even the setting of this film is problematic. It seems pretty clear that the whole thing begins in Cuba, so I was pretty confused when Gold starts talking about heading south for the border (the last I checked, Cuba was an island). The next thing I knew, he & Alissa are in Africa (and still driving the same beat-up VW van they escaped in). That pretty much sums this whole movie up in a nutshell (that & the fact that the word "titles" is misspelled in the closing credits).
In closing, I thought I would just jot down a few of the things I learned from watching Laser Mission:
* Anyone can pass as a Cuban, even without a fake mustache (and it's OK if you forget your accent every now & again).
* It is not altogether shocking for high-ranking officers in the Cuban army to drop out of trees & start barking orders in English to bivouacking soldiers.
* No one at any level of the Cuban army can hit a target, so you have plenty of time to walk toward them & make sure your aim is perfect before killing any of them - actuallly, you don't even have to aim at them if you don't want to. Brandon Lee shot up a truckload of Cuban soldiers with his gun pretty much pointed toward the ground.
* You can apparently drive from Cuba to the African desert in just a few hours.
* It's possible to walk across 400 miles of desert in high heels, without any water to drink, & come out looking only moderately sweaty - & your clothes won't be dirty no matter how many sand dunes you roll down while fighting incompetent assassins.
* All you need to make a nuclear bomb is the right kind of laser & a big honkin' diamond.
Biggest Pile of Shea - By: Mr. G. C. Shackleton, 16 May 2007 
This is not a film, this is so bad & low budget that in the opening scene the windows are made of cardboard, & extras look directly into the lens of the camera. Brandon Lee is character is annoyingly cocky & the acting is abysmal in general. This film has to be wiped off the face of the earth.
Ernest Borgnine uses his fake European accent again - By: B. Chandler, 21 Oct 2006 We are entreated with a song that sounds like leftover sixties or a Halllmark love story; they keep playing it over & over & over. Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) independent agent or mercenary is tasked with bringing back or killing a laser scientist Prof. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) probably related to Eva. If the scientists laser knowledge is crossed with the world biggest diamond it will create a, are you ready for this? Nuclear weapon. To do this mission Michael must teem up with the professors libeling daughter Alissa (Michael).
The only problem is that the CIA does not trust him. The daughter turns to have an annoyingly negative attitude.
Is she for real as she can shoot, drive, & cross 40 miles of desert in high heals?
Is the professor what he seems as he seems chummy with the bad guys?
Is Sgt. Roberta (Maureen Lahoud) reallly a sergeant or a girl? In any case she is part of a Laurel & Hearty team.
Like a cheap Bond movie will Gold get the professor, diamond & the daughter? Does he want to?
After you get the bad taste of this movie out of your mouth, watch Ernest Borgnine put his accent to good use in "Ice Station Zebra" (1968)
Ice Station Zebra [1968]
Worst film I've ever seen - not even bad-funny, just bad - By: , 13 Jul 2004 I rented this years ago after seeing The Crow - man was I in for a surprise. This is the cheesiest, worst directed, most sloppily scripted film ever committed to celluloid. Some films are so bad they're funny - but this didn't even make me laugh. Every guy hit by a bullet fell like a semi-pro wrestler. Terrible.
Laser Mission - A 3 way power struggle with 1 control switch - By: , 03 Jun 2004 
There's trouble brewing in this action packed thriller starring Brandon Lee as mercenary agent Michael Gold employed by the CIA to undertake a dangerous mission in Cuba.
A huge diamond has been stolen & intelligence implies that it has falllen into the hands of the brillant but power mad Professor Braun (Ernest Borgnine). Using the diamond his aim is to construct a laser that when built would be powerful enough to control the planet. He has to be stopped at alll costs, but it isn't just the CIA who want to disarm him...the intelligence agencies of the KGB have been hard at work too!.
1990 Film running time approx 84 mins. PG
