Customer Reviews
But Please Balance the books! - By: MyLittleEye, 26 Aug 2006 
This book is has given me many useful insights into the whys & hows of emotionallly abusive behaviour. The other reviewers here have effectively listed it's many plus points.
However, the title says "How to Recognize, Understand & *Deal* with People Who Try to Control You
I had hoped for more concrete methods described in the dealing with controllers aspect. The book's concluding chapters seemed to me to consist of many quotes from people congratulating either themselves or Evans on having 'broken the spell'. I found it hard to distil firm techniques that would help me practice spellbreaking. The abuse I witness is very subtle & hard to pin down & confront in the workplace & the methods mentioned seem to me best suited for "In your face" abuse.
Finallly so many books & websites on abuse & bullying are overtly gender biased & Patricia Evan's book is no exception. I think a better balanced insight could have been gained from illustrating the patterns of control & abuse with more examples of people abused by female partners or colleagues. When the "typical" gender dynamic is reversed it reallly does highlight the power & recurring pattern of controlling abusive behaviour.
The path to becoming an abuser is not a "Man thing". It can flow from mother to daughter from wife to husband, even employee to boss! Being a target of abuse is not the female prerogative.
Myself, my father, my partner & her father, have alll been the objects of "control connections" from spellbound women & those women in turn were the victims of maternal abuse & neglect.
I feel the book's bias is disingenous because I would have thought it more empowering to recognise & emphasise that abusive behaviour is not gender specific but that it is simply it's own self-perpetuating legacy. More examples of female to male or same gender incidents could've illustrated her points as well as, if not better than the limited spectrum of "typical" abusive relationships she presents.
Also many men, my father included, remain in denial (spellbound) about their situation. This is a good book but it's predominately female perspective still alllows him to say "This doesn't apply to me" or worse "It *is* my fault - I'm the abuser!"
Despite these misgivings I will still be recommending "Controlling people" to friends & relatives who have found themselves in the thralll of "spellbound" behaviour.
Controlling People - be prepared to be enlightened! - By: , 28 Jul 2005 
This book reallly opened up my eyes to a recent 9 year relationship that just ended. I thought I was going mad at the end - nothing I did seemed to be right & I lived in fear of him leaving! As one reviewer quite rightly said regarding the metaphors that the author uses are initiallly confusing & you need to read it a couple of times for it to make sense! But once it does sink in a cloud lifts in front of your eyes & you can see that the relationship wasn't about you "not being good enough!" I've thoroughly defaced the book with my own comments & highlighted sections that were relevant to me!
good book about bullying - By: , 20 Mar 2004 Although I am normallly sceptical about self-help books, I bought this hoping to understand a bit more about bullying from the perspective of the bully & the bullied. I found it tremendously helpful. Having experienced bullying & the trauma that goes with it, I wanted to understand why it happened (why me? why her?), in the hope that I will deal with it better next time round. I found the descriptions of the bully's behaviour & the reasons for that behaviour full of insights. I have met a lot of people who think they can tell you what you like & how you feel. Controlling People maintains that this belief is a delusion, & goes on to explain why, & how people can come to hold this belief. It helps the bullied recognise this behaviour & resist it, & the bully begin to break the spell cast by their mistaken belief.
It does ask for some perseverence. If you don't get to grips with the terms used (Teddy? Witness? Spellbreaker? Pretend Person?) it is confusing, & it takes a couple of concentrated reads to fully understand. But it's worth the trouble - definitely the best book I've read about bullying.
A book for anyone who's ever felt bullied - By: , 01 Mar 2004 A life changing book that helped me to understand what makes certain people try to control & why others alllow themselves to become controlled.
Read it if you feel like you need to understand why this happens & what you can do about it.
It changed my perspective on a lot of things
Controlling People - By: , 09 Dec 2003 Either you get it, or you don't ! I've heard this a million times, & I always thought is was a silly thing to say - as that goes with out saying.......
But it just doesn't. This book has turned my life upside down - because, now... I get it ! Before I just thought I got it, but I had no idea about "what" I should be getting. Controlling People, explains a theory about how & why people relate to each other. This insight is of cause "just" a theory, but none the less - to me it makes perfect sense & I know that I will carry this theory with me from this day forward. This is a book equallly for people who like to contemplate about the "why's" in life, & for those who need help finding their own personal boundaries.
The book is fairly easy read, & has some practical guidelines at the end, for those who might need that. Read it - I hope you "get" it ;-)
