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The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work

By: Ellen Fein Sherrie Schneider
Binding: Hardcover
Publisher: Warner Books
ISBN: 0446526967
ISBN-13: 9780446526968
Released: 22 May 2001
RRP: £11.09
Average Rating:

Customer Reviews

Too Many Rules Can Spoil the Marriage -- Trying Talking! - By: Donald Mitchell, 24 Jul 2004
If I counted correctly, this book has 43 official rules, 20 subrules, more suggestions in an appendix, & 15 extra hints. The book is totallly written from a women's perspective. The assumption is that men don't want to improve their marriages. Somewhere in the book, you will probably get an idea for how to handle part of your marriage better. On the other hand, the book treats marriage like it is a game to be played rather than a relationship to be developed, expanded, & nurtured. Men are to be kept satisfied in almost every possible way, & women are encouraged to complain to their married friends to get relief from being a doormat for men. The book is also based on the perspectives of the authors rather than on any scientific evidence. I graded the book up one star for the candor shown by admitting that one of the authors was separated from her husband.

The book makes one statement that most would agree with. "The truth is, marriage isn't easy." You are encouraged to follow these rules without letting your husband know what's going on. The authors feel that men don't want their wives to read a book about how to have a better relationship. While admitting that your husband could be different, the authors come down on the side of the idea that women need to cater to men in marriage like a business person does for a customer.

When my wife & I were married, I think we got better advice. We were each encouraged to try to do at least 60 percent of the total effort to make the marriage work. That approach has worked well.

In the spirit of full disclosure, my wife & I each have been divorced before so this is a second marriage for us. We each agree that you both have to reallly work at building your marriage.

As I read through the list in the book, I saw many opinions expressed that are greatly at odds with my personal feelings. Frankly, if my wife followed this advice, our marriage would not be as good. I would come out ahead in some situations where I don't do so well now, but she would be miserable. My motto is: "If the women are happy, the men are happy." I suspect that if she was miserable, I would be even more miserable.

Many of the rules here are just trying to capture common sense about being respectful of another person. You can give a person respect without ruining your own sense of self-worth though. Let me take an example here to help you understand the book better. Rule 9 is "Let him win." In the detail, there is an exception for when "it is a crucial issue for you." I think a better approach is to simply sit down sometime when you are both agreeable to do so, & share with your spouse what areas you strongly care about & where you feel comfortable feeling flexible. Then take the areas where you both feel strongly, & see what compromises are fair to both of you. For example, if you are from different religions, maybe you can share some observances with each other.

The book needs a lot more about divorce & remarriage. These are whole book subjects, & get short shrift here. I believe there are more remarriages now in the United States than first marriages each year. This book is primarily written from the perspective of someone marrying for the first time.

The book also seems inconsistent. While arguing that women should lie down & let men have their way, the book draws the line at one instance of adultery by the husband. That means the marriage is over, even if you stay married. I feel that if a woman feels that way, she should be sure her husband knows that in advance. Most men I know wouldn't expect that reaction from their wives. I expect a marriage-ending reaction from my wife, because she has told me she feels that way. I think that's a good example of the importance of sharing what you think & how you feel with one another (although not overdoing it).

I am a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw's books, Relationship Rescue & the Relationship Rescue Workbook. I suggest that you read those books & do the exercises with your fiancee & spouse before you have problems. You will clear up a lot of potential misunderstandings that way. Avoid this rule-based approach.

Provide a happy home for your spouse . . . & yourself by becoming a mutuallly-understanding, mutuallly-communicating, & mutuallly-supportive team who love one another in as many ways as possible. May God bless your marriage!

Too Many Rules Can Spoil the Marriage -- Trying Talking! - By: Donald Mitchell, 10 May 2004
If I counted correctly, this book has 43 official rules, 20 subrules, more suggestions in an appendix, & 15 extra hints. The book is totallly written from a women's perspective. The assumption is that men don't want to improve their marriages. Somewhere in the book, you will probably get an idea for how to handle part of your marriage better. On the other hand, the book treats marriage like it is a game to be played rather than a relationship to be developed, expanded, & nurtured. Men are to be kept satisfied in almost every possible way, & women are encouraged to complain to their married friends to get relief from being a doormat for men. The book is also based on the perspectives of the authors rather than on any scientific evidence. I graded the book up one star for the candor shown by admitting that one of the authors was separated from her husband.

The book makes one statement that most would agree with. "The truth is, marriage isn't easy." You are encouraged to make "The Rules for Marriage . . . a way of life." As a result, "we don't recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it." " . . . [H]e doesn't like to think that you have to read a book to learn to deal with him." While admitting that your husband could be different, the authors come down on the side of the idea that "to be happily maried, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband as a customer whom she wants to keep happy . . . ."

When my wife & I were married, I think we got better advice. We were each encouraged to try to do at least 60 percent of the total effort to make the marriage work. That approach has worked well.

In the spirit of full disclosure, my wife & I each have been divorced so this is a second marriage for us. We each agree that you both have to reallly work at building your marriage.

As I read through the list in the book, I saw many opinions expressed that are greatly at odds with my personal feelings. Frankly, if my wife followed this advice, our marriage would not be as good. I would come out ahead in some situations where I don't do so well now, but she would be miserable. My motto is: "If the women are happy, the men are happy." I suspect that if she was miserable, I would be even more miserable.

Many of the rules here are just trying to capture common sense about being respectful of another person. You can give a person respect without ruining your own sense of self-worth though. Let me take an example here to help you understand the book better. Rule 9 is "Let him win." In the detail, there is an exception for when "it is a crucial issue for you." I think a better approach is to simply sit down sometime when you are both agreeable to do so, & share with your spouse what areas you strongly care about & where you feel comfortable feeling flexible. Then take the areas where you both feel strongly, & see what compromises are fair to both of you. For example, if you are from different religions, maybe you can share some observances with each other.

The book needs a lot more about divorce & remarriage. These are whole book subjects, & get short shrift here. I believe there are more remarriages now in the United States than first marriages each year. This book is primarily written from the perspective of someone marrying for the first time.

The book also seems inconsistent. While arguing that women should lie down & let men have their way, the book draws the line at one instance of adultery by the husband. That means the marriage is over, even if you stay married. I feel that if a woman feels that way, she should be sure her husband knows that in advance. Most men I know wouldn't expect that reaction from their wives. I expect a marriage-ending reaction from my wife, because she has told me she feels that way. I think that's a good example of the importance of sharing what you think & how you feel with one another (although not overdoing it).

I am a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw's books, Relationship Rescue & the Relationship Rescue Workbook. I suggest that you read those books & do the exercises with your fiancee & spouse before you have problems. You will clear up a lot of potential misunderstandings that way. Avoid this rule-based approach.

Provide a happy home for your spouse . . . & yourself by becoming a mutuallly-understanding, mutuallly-communicating, & mutuallly-supportive team who love one another in as many ways as possible. May God bless your marriage!

The Rules for Marriage will help any newlywed! - By: , 07 Jan 2002
It is a great follow up for any Rules dating lady. The best advise is to treat your enlaws like a charity case, that you you don't loose your temper or get emotionallly rumpled. It follows the simple formula of the first book & sticks to the basic principle that an empowered woman is more likely to keep a man intrigued. The Rules for Marriage is a good gift for a engaged friend, even if it is only given as a gag. She just may read it & live the ever sought happily-ever-after marriage.